dude, you need to 'update' yourself

After doing a search on Wikipedia about the term 'dude' I realise... it's unisex. Now I know why my exch student best friend calls me that. WHY didn't I know that?! I took gender studies before (two subjects summore) -.-' Well, I guess gender studies is too DEEP. 

Anyway, back to the story...


You KNOW, do I even look like a DUDE? LOL. I'm too gentle to be called a DUDE. Make things easier, call me by name. I after all don't have a very super duper extravagant hardtopronounce  complicated Chinese name, what? 

Okay, I don't mind actually. It's just that it's a lil' awkward, don't you think?

Sometimes I dunno whether you're talking to me or to your other buddies. But I guess I can assume you're referring to me IF you sit next to me and ME only.

Lol. Am I making sense? If I don't it's because I just submitted an assignment. Release everything I need to here.

A break that isn't exactly a break

Yeah, you'd have guessed by now. It's mid-sem break that doesn't exactly feel like one. Can't imagine if that assignment was REALLY REALLY due today. THE original deadline for that essay was today, indeed. But THANK GOD, some people incl yours truly were smart enough to ask for a BIT more time. I mean, is three days gonna hurt my lecturer so bad? It's supposed to be a break! And I bet those exchange student friends of mine are having fun in the islands while I am sitting here blogging about how horrid my assignment and break is.

Perhaps you could say they write better than us. Better than me? I think so, too :) They can just ramble with their oh-so powerful and impeccable English. Like, really. Proof? Oral presentations. Listen to them and trust me, I feel to a certain extent, small. But thankfully, those that I met this sem are quite humble. Well, like I said, at least they're willing to talk to me :) That is more than enough. THE VERY FACT that they actually TALK to you.

You know what? Perhaps I should say: Read their essays. I read ONE  last sem and I was totally blown away by her expression... but I spotted ONE or TWO tiny 'blemishes' as the Brits put it. HEE. Then again, ONE or TWO is excusable.

I have to think of what words to use so that it actually suits perfectly in the context of my sentence. It's so HARD! Like when you want to paraphrase. Gosh, esp when you're writing abt something that's so technical. *faints* Sometimes, you just tell yourself ENOUGH! ENOUGH! Yet you know that you have to get it DONE.

OK! Back to your essay!

hear what i'm not saying

Don't be fooled by me.

               Don't be fooled by the face I wear

               for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,

               masks that I'm afraid to take off,

               and none of them is me.

               Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,

               but don't be fooled,

               for God's sake don't be fooled.

               I give you the impression that I'm secure,

               that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well

                    as without,

               that confidence is my name and coolness my game,

               that the water's calm and I'm in command

               and that I need no one,

               but don't believe me.

               My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,

               ever-varying and ever-concealing.

               Beneath lies no complacence.

               Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.

               But I hide this.  I don't want anybody to know it.

               I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

               That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,

               a nonchalant sophisticated facade,

               to help me pretend,

               to shield me from the glance that knows.

               But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,

               and I know it.

               That is, if it's followed by acceptance,

               if it's followed by love.

               It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,

               from my own self-built prison walls,

               from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.

               It's the only thing that will assure me

               of what I can't assure myself,

               that I'm really worth something.

               But I don't tell you this.  I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.

               I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,

               will not be followed by love.

               I'm afraid you'll think less of me,

               that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.

               I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing

               and that you will see this and reject me.

               So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,

               with a facade of assurance without

               and a trembling child within.

               So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,

               and my life becomes a front.

 I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.

               I tell you everything that's really nothing,

               and nothing of what's everything,

               of what's crying within me.

               So when I'm going through my routine

               do not be fooled by what I'm saying.

               Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,

               what I'd like to be able to say,

               what for survival I need to say,

               but what I can't say.

               I don't like hiding.

               I don't like playing superficial phony games.

               I want to stop playing them.

               I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me

               but you've got to help me.

               You've got to hold out your hand

               even when that's the last thing I seem to want.

               Only you can wipe away from my eyes

               the blank stare of the breathing dead.

               Only you can call me into aliveness.

               Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,

               each time you try to understand because you really care,

               my heart begins to grow wings--

               very small wings,

               very feeble wings,

               but wings!

               With your power to touch me into feeling

               you can breathe life into me.

               I want you to know that.

               I want you to know how important you are to me,

               how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--

               of the person that is me

               if you choose to.

               You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,

               you alone can remove my mask,

               you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,

               from my lonely prison,

               if you choose to.

               Please choose to.

               Do not pass me by.

               It will not be easy for you.

               A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

               The nearer you approach to me

               the blinder I may strike back.

               It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man

               often I am irrational.

               I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

               But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls

               and in this lies my hope.

               Please try to beat down those walls

               with firm hands but with gentle hands

               for a child is very sensitive.

               Who am I, you may wonder?

               I am someone you know very well.

               For I am every man you meet

               and I am every woman you meet.

                                                                     Charles C. Finn

                                                      September 1966

that awkward moment...

when you come across a journal article that was written by someone from the same uni as you albeit located miles away.

:)

ancora imparo, indeed

:)

All for the Australian queen of music

It's 2012 - 9 years since I've last heard of her.

Thanks Z, for reminding me of her.

three more

Nine weeks passed. I can't believe it and needless to say there have been numerous times that question has been posed to us who will ultimately bid goodbye to the bittersweet memories of university.

I cannot believe how much uni has thought me, the crazy things we learnt in uni that will never really be of use when we go out to work... haha... but really? Sometimes I think back and say... hello? Was that what we actually learnt? You'd never ever find a syllabus like that in other unis esp at undergrad level. Post-graduate, maybe. 

It's an amazing journey at least for me. I started off SHY and AFRAID at everything UNI threw me into. REALLY, REALLY SHY. 

But then as semesters went by, I discovered that many of the lecturers are actually PRETTY AMAZING AND FRIENDLY. SOMETIMES, TOO FRIENDLY. HAHA. :) 

Then, obviously there's your friends. Of course, there are those whom you've met in college before and by some miracle they join you in the same course. But, IF I WERE TO PICK THE MOST memorable sem out of my entire time here, it is the FINAL sem that I'm going to remember the most. Oh-so-cliche, I know. But, it's TRUE!

Like, finally! I've built GUTS to actually TALK to people esp. the exchange bunch of students who seem to be MIXING AROUND a little more btw. Of course, initially when we first met, I was SCARED, SCARED that they would judge us ASIANS! They are OOZING with CONFIDENCE all the time!!!!!!! Well, at least they're willing to talk to me now :) and I am happy :)

Subjects-wise: Not the most fun but at least for one of it I get to have fun with it. Yay! Uni needs more subjects like these. Not that I'm saying academic essays are HORRID but you need to have a MIX! Like how we had our travel guide assignment. Finally, something that takes away the pain of looking thru' 25 academic journals. Well, I had journal articles in there for this assignment but not like 25 :O Now I know why so many ppl refuse to do post-grad studies. Sometimes it just makes you say, forget it, let it be, I'm just gonna graduate and get out of here. 25 journal articles for an assignment???????? I am too hardworking, obviously. Haha.

Still thinking of what to do next but I definitely need a little bit of a GAP just to forget the dreariness of UNI for a while.

OMGGGGGGGGGGG REALLY??? three more till I'm done????????? I can't believe it!

huh?

Usually I have no problem talking to the exchange students but there are certain times I'm just like... HUH?

OMG! What is he saying?

I think I especially need help with the Aussie slang sometimes. Eek!

When that happens, I usually get him to repeat but there's ONCE he repeated THREE times and I still didn't get it! I think it's because he used a different word to describe that's not-so-used back home so that's why I''m like WHATTTT?!

So, in the end I had to come up with some kind of answer and I think he got the message but thankfully he didn't appear irritated or what.

Phew!

That's the problem when they LIKE to talk to you SOOOOOO MUCH, you have NO CHOICE but to talk to them. So far, I've been ENJOYING it to the max because I don't get to do that out of university. LOL.

:)

In class two days back while waiting for it to begin officially:-

my exchange student best friend: (insert my given names here), why is the Internet not working?!

me: (in my heart): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA but instead... I ended up letting out a tiny laugh and then explained to him that my other friend had the same problem in the library.

my exchange student best friend: Why, Internet why, please don't die on me! Hmm, let's try again.

me: :)


Suddenly, Google Chrome (yes, I looked at his browser) displayed something... and the following was his reaction

my exchange student best friend: Yes! YES! YES! (insert my given names) YES!

me: Oh, YAY!!! :) Hahah!

Then, we started talking about boring stuff aka assignments. Heh! 

and it went something like this:-

MESBFF : Ah, da*n! (insert my given names here) HELP ME! The questions are so hard! Haven't even started! Got other work to do and I'm going off to............ this weekend and then after that I'm going..... then my................ coming over! help!

me: Ahhh! I know right! Meh!  (I lay slumped on the table)

MESBFF: Are you tired?

me: Yeah. 

MESBFF: Why? What did you do? Did you wake up early this morning? Slept late last night?

me: Yeah, was reading journal articles last night and I was like OMG!!! What am I reading?

MESBFF: Why? If it makes you tired, then, don't do it! 

me: heh. but... you know................. 

(I refuse to type anymore of the conversation because some parts are better left unsaid)


That was by far the best conversation I've ever had in my entire life with someone I knew just about a month ago.


I just find it AMAZING :) 

Beh tahan

It's week 7 and I am getting really, really exhausted.

Evidently today, I didn't eat much... no appetite, thank you very much uni workload for making me exhausted till I can't eat. Oh... it's that time of the month again... hence you know why. No wonder been feeling so blah these days. Sigh.

And you know you really can't fake being tired esp. when your very expressive Australian exchange student best friend asks you : Are you tired?

Can't believe that this sem, everything seems to be more relaxed and cincai yet it's assignments non-stop. When I say relaxed I mean the lecturer doesn't really want to tell you what to do ;you decide on your own. And when I say non-stop, it means week 4 onwards... even if we have a gap, we use that so-called gap to think of our upcoming assignment(s).

Then, don't do what makes you tired!

Yeah, easy to say. You know how many journal articles I've been reading through just to make sure I solidify my essay? Well, although I daresay I am slacking this sem, by a lot!

Oh God, my essay outline :(

Well-said

Never play with the feelings of others, because you may win the game but the risk is that you will surely lose the person for a lifetime.

William Shakespeare

Because my essay's too boring

"Take wrong turns. Talk to strangers. Open unmarked doors. Do things without always knowing how they'll turn out. You're curious and smart and bored, and all you see is the choice between working and slacking off. There are so many adventures that you miss because you're waiting to think of a plan. To find them look for tiny interesting choices. And remember that you are ALWAYS making up the future as you go."
- XKCD webcomic