you're one clever cookie

hmm, I've too much time on my hands now; I've been searching for the origin of "clever cookie"

Some said it's used in Australian English

Other sites seem to say it is of US origin, adding that it is not as popularly used today compared to in the days of Humphrey Bogart. LOL.

And that the UK has its own version....?

This is the problem when you mix with the exchange students particularly Australians, not like I've many... less than 5 okay? And the trouble is she's an English major. Z just used that expression to describe me. I guess it's a good thing? Right?

it was pretty while it lasted

you know, my ESBFF has been 'liking' my uni-related statuses on ________ (where else? lol)

then, he'd make me smile and think of ALL the memories we had together in uni. 5-6 months of...

I don't know. I thought my statuses are quite neutral, most of the time... but some people just couldn't help it, I guess. Either that, or my statuses must've been pretty impactful. Haha. :)

Every single memory just flashed by. Sorry I cannot help it.

From the shy me in week 2 and your very random intro to your Aussie friends

to how excited we were when we were on _________ :)

to the casual conversation in the cafeteria

to that 'HEY' before lecture that MADE everyone's heads turn and jaws drop

to that one time during group discussion, I thought you didn't enjoy talking to me anymore... but then, you came out of class and took the elevator with me instead and needless  to say, TALK some more.

followed by more and more and more conversations before class, during class... GOSH.

and so much of positive encouragement esp. our oral presentation week

to that day when you randomly asked me what kind of MUSIC I FANCIED.

to that one time we ALMOST planned something

to that day when you suddenly walked to my table before lecture to ask me how to submit our assignments online  (haha, I always thought it should be the other way around because they're actually quite smart - just not in the Asian way.)

to the very last conversation on-campus we had

yes, it was pretty while it lasted

* and yes, I've achieved what I said before about talking to more people. :)

sobsob second-half of 2012 was the best*

W-O-R-D-S

I've come to realize that...

after years of running this blog and other blogs,

after meeting so many different people from different backgrounds,

having a nuclear family  who possess "WORD POWER"

and having graduated with an ARTS degree that needs one to show clarity of expression among other things,


WORDS matter - your choice of words.

Okay, wait...

PHRASING matters.

Most of the time, miscommunication happens.

WHY?



because one did not know how to PHRASE well.


as simple as that.

which is why I almost always take ages to do stuff. because I want to phrase well. If you can't wait, then, there's where the problem starts.

-End of story-

I'll remember

YPIA forever

for publishing my first article ever.

first tries are always scary

but finally I can say: I contributed to something I believe is slightly more meaningful than... the Ed Board or even those glamorous magazines.

think. of. a. proper. thesis.topic.

I hope

that IF my app gets accepted, I won't regret the path I'm taking.

 

Just when I thought I could have a break

I end up stressing about:-

a)Job hunting.
b)Which (potential) unis to do my postgrad... Yes, I'm crazy. This is also another option that I'm considering. Which could also mean that I'm probably meeting my exchange student friends + making NEW non-M'sian friends, depending on whether I have enough guts and where I end up in.
c) Not being able to finish my story books/novels that I bought long time ago.



How I wish there was a 101 guide to all of these.

****
Just now at dinner, dunno why we ended up talking abt my exchange student friends. Dad went:-

Eh, they came over before, right?

Me: THAT one another batch-lah.

Oh! Is it?
Me: Yeah, every sem got different batch-mah.
Oh, so you mean the guy and the girl you were talking abt went back ady?
Me: Yeah. (in my heart) so sad :(
How come they can clique with you-one?
Me: I dunno!

Isn't that the question that I've been asking myself all the time? Ever since the second-half of the year... ah, you get  what I mean.

Daddy, where were you all this time when I was talking abt them?

LOL.


Sigh, I thought I told myself not to talk abt them anymore. I miss them for they have their way with words.

Stop JL. Stop. GIVE yourself a GOOD BREAK.

Wei shenme wo....

I still don't get it: How is it that I enjoyed learning French but NOT Chinese?


Okay, maybe I have the answer: French is more thrilling than Chinese.

No wonder despite my many attempts to learn Chinese, I still fail to string a simple sentence.

Wo bu xihuan _________________ You see? I don't even remember if the pinyin is correct. Don't even know what/how to express.

Limited vocab + horrible pronunciation + pure ignorance of the 4 tones + insanely difficult Chinese characters = I can never get along with the Chinese language.

And to think I can find a JOB that doesn't require me to speak Chinese...Even as copywriters. The only saving grace is that my English is sophisticated - my "communication skills are of the highest order" (Gilmour, 2012). (Yes, university taught me to cite everything).

Macam mana ni?

Shine bright like a diamond

You're beautiful like diamonds in the sky.

For once, I find inspiration thru' Rihanna's song.


Now that my amazing bunch of exchange student friends have gone home for good/still enjoying some last-minute travelling around Asia, I need to remind myself constantly that I am worthy, beautiful, and intelligent.

 I need to have faith. Forget those who refuse to believe in me.

Shine bright like a diamond, indeed.

the last thing I need right now

...

is someone who doubts my abilities.

X: You sure your grammar is THAT good-ah? (He may not have put it so crudely but from his tone, it seems so).



Don't you want to give me a chance?


It's okay. JL, let a new door open. Yes, I learn from Delta Goodrem's songs.

Or rather, in mass comm speak : I produce meaning from Dellta Goodrem's songs. (post-representational approach)

End of rant.

the nicest thing I've ever received

Dear (insert my given name here),

(because some text are best omitted for privacy purposes)


It has been my great delight to have taught such a wonderful student and I wish you every success for the future.
All the best,
C.Gilmour (2012)


Written by a TRUE communicator. SO POWERFUL - I can feel his sincerity through this message. 

I wish I had written a MUCH better reply to this.

Decisions, decisions, decisions

Gosh, I did so well I forgot that I need to decide what to do next. LOL.

Unexpected, truly unexpected.

My options:

Work for a while before continuing on to NERD mode
Work and never return to academia ever again (LOL)
Respond to Callum's and Helen's encouragement to do Honours
Jump straight to Masters

Apa mum cakap to me: Scared I (referrring to me)  work work work until sian ZzzzZzzz edit, proofread etc.

Apa dad cakap: I think academia suits you best.


I actually enjoy studying... but I cannot imagine torturing students later on.

Of course I'd enjoy flexi hours if I ever return to academia

but...will I regret??????

This is gonna be interesting

Someone just asked me to contribute article(s)! Whee! And nope, it's not the Ed board. It's this NPO in South Africa. GOT to know it thru' a friend. Now I know why making friends with exchange students is the most amazing thing one could ever do in university.

the next (major) phase

Right now, I am exploring the options.

Just hoping for something which suits my personality.

Saw ONE opportunity: WRITER. Sounds glamorous, fun and all. But I don't wanna get too carried away and be fooled by how AMAZING it is to be a WRITER. Even if it means I'm writing for PROMOTIONAL purposes.

The other one: Web content management. Sounds like my kind of job.

WHY AM I HESITANT?
No, JL! Have the guts to TRY. Really.

Better get a JOB before the NEXT CNY family dinner otherwise....

unforgettable

I don't think I have ever gotten something so AMAZING from a lecturer.There's no lecturer that could rival him in terms of written expression. I guess I made the right decision by letting him write something nice for me.

I may be done with his exams in the first half of the year but because he made it simple and easy-to-understand, trust me, I still remember the things he taught me... that sometimes, I find myself flipping thru' my READERS... and then I realise, I'm not supposed to study :( I'm supposed to APPLY what I learnt.

I think I know where to go to next

Australlia seems to be popping up quite a lot these days.

Here's why:

1. Days after my FINAL paper, I dropped my ESBFF a message on FB NOT expecting him to reply... but well, he proved me wrong. His reply was not too long but still amazingly beautiful and impactful :) Guess I don't need to say where he invited me to.

2. FB ads, annoying as always, the same ad keeps popping up on the right corner of my tiny laptop screen: Do you miss Australia???

3. On TV. Out of boredom, I played around with the remote control. There's this TV programme called "Food Guide to Australia". And on the very same day, there's this ad about Australian and NZ beef and lamb.

Few days ago, again, because I was bored, I came across this channel Australia Network which I would describe as highly addictive for its INFOTAINMENT programmes.

4. Because I study in one of those Australian universities, aiyah, you get it-lah.

5. Went to the nearest shopping mall and saw this banner with the words 'Australia Naturally'.

6. This lactose-free milk mum bought that I've been drinking is from Western Australia. And oh yes, you taste the difference, really.

7. Mum bought this biscuit which apparently is yeast-free, gluten-free, cholesterol free and godknowswhatelse that biscuit is free from, is a product of Melbourne. Just like the LACTOSE-FREE milk, you can actually taste the difference - just don't know why I didn't like them.


... but before that, I gotta wait till the exchange rate is lower and hopefully EARN DECENT $$.

Australia, I'll be back.

I'm just waiting for my turn. Really?

Graduation ceremonies. I still fail to understand WHY is there a need to celebrate THREE years or MORE when all you get is just a piece of paper telling you your qualifications. That piece of paper is NOTHING in comparison to the memories you had. Be it your first lecture, to the PSYCHO bunch of people you meet along the way.

Went for a friend's one in a HOTEL environment where the ballroom was quite nice though it probably isn't as grand as the ones in Aussie.

It would have been nice if it was in a real HALL like how they do it at the (gigantic) Aussie campus(es)

I can only dream of going there... 

They sound so beautiful together

I just found another song which I cannot stop listening to. PERFECT HARMONIES :) Taylor Swift + Ed Sheeran = pure bliss :)

I've too much time on my hands

I sincerely need a GOOD BREAK from my laptop. I swear, if I find anymore 'important' emails or notifications OTHER than those to do with GRADUATION or RESULTS, I'm going to KILL that person.

I've been reading story books. the books that I never got to read before because I was too occupied with horrid assignments and what not. I have sooo many books that I've no space to put em anymore. LOL.

There's the danger of LOSING track of time JUST because the book is soooooooooooo good. I can tell you, if those days, I lost sleep because of assignments, this time, I find myself LOSING SLEEP because the book is too good that I can't put it down. GAH! Well, at least it's so much better than going online on FB, logging into it ONE TOO MANY TIMES A DAY.

to do before i die

1. actually finish reading my story books
2. Melbourne
3. spoil a few more keys on the piano
4. bungee jump
5. NZ (yes, again)
6. cook for real
7. write something more worth reading than this
8. write to everyone of my buddies
9. taylor swift concert
10. Spain

This is becoming repetitive, I should stop

... after this.

All it took was SEVEN weeks 

SEVEN weeks of casual conversations

I just find it amazing that HE could talk to me like nothing

I end up disclosing so much more to him than to my M'sian friends, really.

Even if I did disclose to my M'sian friends, it was because they asked or they were REALLY REALLY CLOSE. I mean, well, even if they were really close, I had to think of a way to put it nicely.

BUT with him, it's like.... I dunno. Everything just fell perfectly into place.

Right from day one.

We learnt each others' names and that was when I realised my parents gave me a pretty FANCY yet NOT-SO-COMMON name. :) For that I am thankful. 

Until we became online friends: he thought he knew me or at least how to spell my name. Well, I don't blame him. After explaining, he understood. NASIB BAIK.

I don't deny that sometimes when we talk, it's pretty STIFF. I think it's because at times, I couldn't believe he was actually talking to me, and on occasion, he'd make heads turn because they themselves couldn't believe what was happening in class. Other times, it's just me being EXHAUSTED from the day's classes.

SEVEN out of twelve weeks in a semester - not bad, huh?

PLEASE tell me that this friendship is going to last.

Because...

as a new door opens

we close the ones behind

Delta Goodrem - Not Me, Not I.



WHAT A PERFECT SONG

Dear (insert uni here)

THANK YOU FOR THE MEMORIES.

FROM THE FIRST DAY OF LECTURE WHERE I WAS NOTHING BUT A SHALLOW-MINDED- soon-to-be 20-year old.

TO THE FIRST TIME A LEC SHOWED SOMETHING PRETTY DISTURBING.

TO THE RIDICULOUS STEPS THE UNI HAS - be it in the cafeteria, library, the bookshop or the rock-climbing area where many of us tripped over.

TO MY RANDOM RUNNING AROUND LIKE A MANIAC FOR THE SAKE OF LOOKING FOR LECTURERS.

TO MY CRAZY BUNCH OF FRIENDS + COURSEMATES

TO THE FIRST TIME I STEPPED ONTO THE BASKETBALL COURT.


TO THAT VERY DAY I HAD TO GO THRU' the ORDEAL at SMC because I FELL.

TO THE DAY I WAS PART OF TM (EVEN IF IT WAS ONLY 4 meetings)

TO THE DAY I WENT TO STARBUCKS + TLB.

TO THE DAY I WENT FOR A STUDENT-ORGANIZED PARTY.

TO THE DAY I FINALLY HAD THE GUTS TO SAY HI TO ONE OF THE EXCHANGE STUDENTS.


TO THE DAY I FINALLY BECAME QUITE CLOSE TO ONE AND REALISE THAT MAYBE THEY'RE NOT THAT SCARY TO TALK TO AFTER ALL...





FOR NOW, KEEPING MY FINGERS CROSSED & HOPING FOR THE BEST.

If I ever come back

I want to come back for a good reason.

thank you for the memories

so much


so much

esp the final sem

from the lecturers who remember my name so well and whom I've been getting quite high marks from LOL

to the psycho bunch of exchange students who talk non-stop. (Hello, I'm such an introvert, okay???)

my uhm (if you would... allow me to say ESBFF) made me stand for 7 mins sampai kaki pun rasa nak patah

because we just couldn't stop talking and we couldn't bear that three weeks ago was the last time I'm ever gonna see  him FACE-TO-FACE. (Well, at least I had the feeling that THAT was the last time)

to the equally eloquent bunch of coursemates I have

to the not-so-fluent in English buddies whom I've assisted along the way

I cannot believe HOW MUCH I LEARNT from these people

Feels like it was yesterday that we just met.

the irony

After YEARS of dealing with mind-boggling mass comm theories and countless academic essays, I've come to realize that

1) Your written expression matters

Most of the time, it is the ONE thing that determines whether you get a D or a HD.

but at the same time,

2) it has done nothing but 'corrupt'-ed my written expression (thanks, yet no thanks to how much I focus or pay attention to the theories) (What did I just type? Seriously? See, that's what I mean)


Like, how I just realised there were actually some grammatical and spelling errors in my final essay... ever (fingers crossed)

today is a good day

:) Remember my final essay? I swear I didn't expect very high marks. Esp. because I didn't really know what I was talking about for some parts. I actually took some time off it because the theories were way too much to bear. But guess what? Luck was on my side! Next time, I know how to do my assignments already.

Funny how the essays you worked so hard for sometimes, but in the end you only get an average grade. But the ones you didn't think you did so well, you end up getting HIGHER.

FIVE

:) How come we never really bothered to think about it??? 

Three

three more exams to the end of a bittersweet journey. :( And I think today's the LAST day I'm talking to my exchange student (best friend) FACE-TO-FACE :( I realise that most of them are more the I-talk-face-to-face kind than the I-talk-online kind. :( Had class test today and even though I wish I could have written better, I decided not to write anymore, surrendering is sometimes better than giving yourself too much pain.

I cannot believe this.

I cannot believe I am saying goodbye to my exchange student (best) friends.

I cannot believe I have three more exams.

I cannot believe three years has gone by so fast.

I cannot believe that I am at this stage now.

Why isn't she a bit more famous?

I need a break from all the garbage I've been exposed to. 

Isn't she beautiful??? :)

can't bring myself to

study.

Man, what's this?!


More proof I want the sem to just end and be a lazy bum >.<

First test in 3 days plus

Three official exams in slightly over two weeks time

the readings are killing me :(

tokyo hates me

london is so ZzzzZ

NY and S'pore maybe still worth the read.

sighhhhh. demotivated.

timely

Came accross this: 'God determines who walks into our lives. Then it is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go. #True Indeed#

je ne sais pas

Je ne comprends pas. Is there something wrong with mixing around with ANYONE and EVERYONE? My close friend seems to think... haih i dunno, phobia ke apa? Don't get me wrong. Not that I hate you. But janganlah seolah-olah "I am your possession". I am not here to entertain you every semester but you can be sure I'd remember you for life. No kidding.

gosh

you know you just can't wait for sem to be over esp when you can actually MIX UP your name with someone else's i.e. JOCELYN. Coz I thought it was Jocelyn's reading. Sheesh. What's wrg with me??? I actually didn't realise I had a presentation today, you know??? Thank god, it wasn't another lecturer. THE reading, I didn't know he actually picked one for me! He shd have reminded me! Coz the first time I was supposed to present, I didn't coz I injured my leg thanks to how I fell down. Then, I thought of postponing but there was no time so he said tak payahlah. SO, I thought I was done. Then again, I felt pretty awkward that I never presented anything.

Today, however, I got the shock of my life when lec said I was presenting.

And I thought to myself, APA aku nak buat ni? You have to come up with sth! in 20 mins!

Guess what? I summarized the rdg in 4 sentences because I couldn't really und what was going on. I mean, it's abt govt, sexuality post-rep. Apa entah. There was also sth abt Dickens. I think it was an example relating to govt. Problem is I didn't know how to elaborate. :(

NASIB baik, no marks. Phew. AND lecturer didn't seem to mind. In fact, he said I presented! LOL!

I swear I will never do this again! I've never forgotten something so important before.

Well, I kinda think the presentations don't help me much anyway. Unless it's like 1 presentation per week. Ini sometimes 6 presentations in 45 mins.

Okay, not gonna whine anymore.

Fingers crossed, I don't ever have to present academic readings anymore.

just remembered

just now, while waiting for the other class to come out of lec hall so we could go in, Aaren spotted a luggage bag outside the lecture hall. Said sth pretty funny. Someone must be so 'semangat' sampai bawak the luggage bag.. wanna stay out here is it? LOL.

I wonder whose luggage bag is that???

sayonara?

I'm gonna miss all you wonderful people no matter how long we've known each other.

Jess
Mike
Dane (the only one who has been here the longest)


in the beginning, I was a lil' intimidated BUT as weeks went by, I found this bunch interesting, uber expressive and FUNNY. Really.

Esp. Mike. All your PUSHING me to GO FORWARD and to NEVER BE AFRAID.... AMAZING, just pure AMAZING. How you're soooooo casual with me (and perhaps with some of your other friends) sometimes makes me wonder: AM I DREAMING?! Nobody has ever talked to me like that before. Thank you for sharing with me ALMOST ALL your wonderful (or shd I say bittersweet) experiences. Sorry if I don't talk to you, either I'm exhausted or just really SHY. Either way, you have taught me so much. Don't know IF I will get to say goodbye to you but... thank you for sharing two classes with me.

Dane... for all your help with Auth last sem. Really thank you. And thank you for sharing two classes with me this sem.

Jess. the other girl who remembers my name after meeting me once. HAHA. Oh yeah, she did present with me & Mike. Now I remember. :)


Words can't describe how much I value this friendship soooooo much. AND it amazes me how this bunch of people are actually YOUNGER than me.

OMG, man. I owe you guys a visit.

the other day, my buddy and I took the lift up to our tute. Then, an older lady came in. THE lift door then closed and we thought we were on our way up already when two seconds later, these bunch of youngsters came in. The lady was actually pretty nice to hold the door for them.

But guess what? They failed to say thank you.

Fortunately, the lady was smart enough to insist, I repeat, INSIST on a THANK YOU.

She went: THANK YOU?

Random guy youngster 1: HUH?

Her reply: I held the door for you.

Random guy youngster 1 and 2: Oh... right. Thank you.


Hebat betul kan?

I always say thank you to the person who holds the door for me. Lift, Classroom, Lecture hall, wherever, or if it becomes too much of a task, I just nod while smiling. I think most of them get the message.

Now I know why the exchange students say we're so......... sigh. I did not say anything-ah? I'm just recounting my experience. One of the many experiences-lah actually.

the last time

so today's the LAST TIME I'm visiting the assignment boxes. YOU KNOW WHAT that means right? After releasing it into the box, it just felt... I dunno. Probably relieved? But at the same time, it's sad. It means... you're closer to the end of your entire three years. Was it well-spent? I'm not quite sure. But ONE THING FOR SURE, the lecturers were pretty approachable. At least, most of them were.

And the most amazing thing is that I've learnt so much. Not only in terms of the theories... but  I've grown so much sometimes I think, WHAT are you doing JL! Are you crazy? You're approaching your lecturer?! You're talking to a guy: a White guy you never knew you could be so casual with? (I'm thinking he's the most friendly and the most casual to me... even though he might have other M'sian friends) You're talking to her? A S. African? What? You went for a FOAM/RAINBOW party and danced the night away? What? I was grammarian once in TM?

Man, I can't believe.... all those late nights... sleeping at 5 or 7 am sometimes. has all come down to this. All those... Eh, go study-lah! (Well, this still applies since I've exams) but really?????????

I've won half the battle... without intermission.... they say if u can survive without intermission wah. hebat. salute. And I think so too! :)

Now, to pass all my exams. 

honestly, i'd be very happy if i get a Credit for this assignment. Don't really care much. I'm exhausted.

1977 words. what else do you require?

why did they set up an Apple store?

Hello, why did they set up the Apple store on-campus again? THinking that someone would be nice enough to buy their stuff? Student discounts? Still mahal gila okay, for someone who ain't working yet. Plus, NOT everyone's a fan of apple.

I was expecting them to build new foodstalls...... but I guess I was wrong.

On a random note, something's so wrong with me - I ain't eating properly :(

satu lagi pos yang membazir masa

like I said, I'm just gonna delay that silly assignment till friday comes. I'm looking at it now but meh... until I'm ready to write again... I will. Seriously, it is exhausting, EXHAUSTING. AND I can tell that I'm not the only one because so many of my kawans are BURNED OUT. pulling their hairs out. banging tables. frustrated at the library database. writer's block. whatever.

1) Went to buildg 9 instead of 6 where my lecture was supposed to be today
2) Accidentally signed in someone else's column for attendance (thank goodness for liquid paper) because I read 'W' as 'Y' (damn first names and last names... who really cares, lah.. Why can't they just put student name?)
3) Not eating lunch properly
4) Wrote the wrong unit code for one of my subjects' assignments (thank god, my lecturer didn't realise the details on my coversheet)

Yes, now you know. I hope I don't collapse in week 12. No, you can't; you have a class test to sit for.

just realised how hard it is to study when you have exam papers back-to-back

esp when you have a subject that isn't exactly your cup of tea

which supposed to be an elective. Yeah, so much for looking for a relaxing one. Sweat.

don't even have the mood to study yet but since my paper is in 27 days time, I cannot afford to waste more time :(

:( :( :( Having exams is no fun. Having back-to-back exams is REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY NO FUN :(

A reminder

Dear final assignment,

It's not that I don't want to continue writing you but I am seriously exhausted. Just handed in your sister today. I promise to re-start with a fresh mind (hopefully) on Friday.


As it stands now, I'm at 1000 + words which hopefully make sense. Another 1000 to go!

Sometimes I have to take risks.

dude, you need to 'update' yourself

After doing a search on Wikipedia about the term 'dude' I realise... it's unisex. Now I know why my exch student best friend calls me that. WHY didn't I know that?! I took gender studies before (two subjects summore) -.-' Well, I guess gender studies is too DEEP. 

Anyway, back to the story...


You KNOW, do I even look like a DUDE? LOL. I'm too gentle to be called a DUDE. Make things easier, call me by name. I after all don't have a very super duper extravagant hardtopronounce  complicated Chinese name, what? 

Okay, I don't mind actually. It's just that it's a lil' awkward, don't you think?

Sometimes I dunno whether you're talking to me or to your other buddies. But I guess I can assume you're referring to me IF you sit next to me and ME only.

Lol. Am I making sense? If I don't it's because I just submitted an assignment. Release everything I need to here.

A break that isn't exactly a break

Yeah, you'd have guessed by now. It's mid-sem break that doesn't exactly feel like one. Can't imagine if that assignment was REALLY REALLY due today. THE original deadline for that essay was today, indeed. But THANK GOD, some people incl yours truly were smart enough to ask for a BIT more time. I mean, is three days gonna hurt my lecturer so bad? It's supposed to be a break! And I bet those exchange student friends of mine are having fun in the islands while I am sitting here blogging about how horrid my assignment and break is.

Perhaps you could say they write better than us. Better than me? I think so, too :) They can just ramble with their oh-so powerful and impeccable English. Like, really. Proof? Oral presentations. Listen to them and trust me, I feel to a certain extent, small. But thankfully, those that I met this sem are quite humble. Well, like I said, at least they're willing to talk to me :) That is more than enough. THE VERY FACT that they actually TALK to you.

You know what? Perhaps I should say: Read their essays. I read ONE  last sem and I was totally blown away by her expression... but I spotted ONE or TWO tiny 'blemishes' as the Brits put it. HEE. Then again, ONE or TWO is excusable.

I have to think of what words to use so that it actually suits perfectly in the context of my sentence. It's so HARD! Like when you want to paraphrase. Gosh, esp when you're writing abt something that's so technical. *faints* Sometimes, you just tell yourself ENOUGH! ENOUGH! Yet you know that you have to get it DONE.

OK! Back to your essay!

hear what i'm not saying

Don't be fooled by me.

               Don't be fooled by the face I wear

               for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,

               masks that I'm afraid to take off,

               and none of them is me.

               Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,

               but don't be fooled,

               for God's sake don't be fooled.

               I give you the impression that I'm secure,

               that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well

                    as without,

               that confidence is my name and coolness my game,

               that the water's calm and I'm in command

               and that I need no one,

               but don't believe me.

               My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,

               ever-varying and ever-concealing.

               Beneath lies no complacence.

               Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.

               But I hide this.  I don't want anybody to know it.

               I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

               That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,

               a nonchalant sophisticated facade,

               to help me pretend,

               to shield me from the glance that knows.

               But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,

               and I know it.

               That is, if it's followed by acceptance,

               if it's followed by love.

               It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,

               from my own self-built prison walls,

               from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.

               It's the only thing that will assure me

               of what I can't assure myself,

               that I'm really worth something.

               But I don't tell you this.  I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.

               I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,

               will not be followed by love.

               I'm afraid you'll think less of me,

               that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.

               I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing

               and that you will see this and reject me.

               So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,

               with a facade of assurance without

               and a trembling child within.

               So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,

               and my life becomes a front.

 I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.

               I tell you everything that's really nothing,

               and nothing of what's everything,

               of what's crying within me.

               So when I'm going through my routine

               do not be fooled by what I'm saying.

               Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,

               what I'd like to be able to say,

               what for survival I need to say,

               but what I can't say.

               I don't like hiding.

               I don't like playing superficial phony games.

               I want to stop playing them.

               I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me

               but you've got to help me.

               You've got to hold out your hand

               even when that's the last thing I seem to want.

               Only you can wipe away from my eyes

               the blank stare of the breathing dead.

               Only you can call me into aliveness.

               Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,

               each time you try to understand because you really care,

               my heart begins to grow wings--

               very small wings,

               very feeble wings,

               but wings!

               With your power to touch me into feeling

               you can breathe life into me.

               I want you to know that.

               I want you to know how important you are to me,

               how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--

               of the person that is me

               if you choose to.

               You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,

               you alone can remove my mask,

               you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,

               from my lonely prison,

               if you choose to.

               Please choose to.

               Do not pass me by.

               It will not be easy for you.

               A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

               The nearer you approach to me

               the blinder I may strike back.

               It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man

               often I am irrational.

               I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

               But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls

               and in this lies my hope.

               Please try to beat down those walls

               with firm hands but with gentle hands

               for a child is very sensitive.

               Who am I, you may wonder?

               I am someone you know very well.

               For I am every man you meet

               and I am every woman you meet.

                                                                     Charles C. Finn

                                                      September 1966

that awkward moment...

when you come across a journal article that was written by someone from the same uni as you albeit located miles away.

:)

ancora imparo, indeed

:)

All for the Australian queen of music

It's 2012 - 9 years since I've last heard of her.

Thanks Z, for reminding me of her.

three more

Nine weeks passed. I can't believe it and needless to say there have been numerous times that question has been posed to us who will ultimately bid goodbye to the bittersweet memories of university.

I cannot believe how much uni has thought me, the crazy things we learnt in uni that will never really be of use when we go out to work... haha... but really? Sometimes I think back and say... hello? Was that what we actually learnt? You'd never ever find a syllabus like that in other unis esp at undergrad level. Post-graduate, maybe. 

It's an amazing journey at least for me. I started off SHY and AFRAID at everything UNI threw me into. REALLY, REALLY SHY. 

But then as semesters went by, I discovered that many of the lecturers are actually PRETTY AMAZING AND FRIENDLY. SOMETIMES, TOO FRIENDLY. HAHA. :) 

Then, obviously there's your friends. Of course, there are those whom you've met in college before and by some miracle they join you in the same course. But, IF I WERE TO PICK THE MOST memorable sem out of my entire time here, it is the FINAL sem that I'm going to remember the most. Oh-so-cliche, I know. But, it's TRUE!

Like, finally! I've built GUTS to actually TALK to people esp. the exchange bunch of students who seem to be MIXING AROUND a little more btw. Of course, initially when we first met, I was SCARED, SCARED that they would judge us ASIANS! They are OOZING with CONFIDENCE all the time!!!!!!! Well, at least they're willing to talk to me now :) and I am happy :)

Subjects-wise: Not the most fun but at least for one of it I get to have fun with it. Yay! Uni needs more subjects like these. Not that I'm saying academic essays are HORRID but you need to have a MIX! Like how we had our travel guide assignment. Finally, something that takes away the pain of looking thru' 25 academic journals. Well, I had journal articles in there for this assignment but not like 25 :O Now I know why so many ppl refuse to do post-grad studies. Sometimes it just makes you say, forget it, let it be, I'm just gonna graduate and get out of here. 25 journal articles for an assignment???????? I am too hardworking, obviously. Haha.

Still thinking of what to do next but I definitely need a little bit of a GAP just to forget the dreariness of UNI for a while.

OMGGGGGGGGGGG REALLY??? three more till I'm done????????? I can't believe it!

huh?

Usually I have no problem talking to the exchange students but there are certain times I'm just like... HUH?

OMG! What is he saying?

I think I especially need help with the Aussie slang sometimes. Eek!

When that happens, I usually get him to repeat but there's ONCE he repeated THREE times and I still didn't get it! I think it's because he used a different word to describe that's not-so-used back home so that's why I''m like WHATTTT?!

So, in the end I had to come up with some kind of answer and I think he got the message but thankfully he didn't appear irritated or what.

Phew!

That's the problem when they LIKE to talk to you SOOOOOO MUCH, you have NO CHOICE but to talk to them. So far, I've been ENJOYING it to the max because I don't get to do that out of university. LOL.

:)

In class two days back while waiting for it to begin officially:-

my exchange student best friend: (insert my given names here), why is the Internet not working?!

me: (in my heart): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA but instead... I ended up letting out a tiny laugh and then explained to him that my other friend had the same problem in the library.

my exchange student best friend: Why, Internet why, please don't die on me! Hmm, let's try again.

me: :)


Suddenly, Google Chrome (yes, I looked at his browser) displayed something... and the following was his reaction

my exchange student best friend: Yes! YES! YES! (insert my given names) YES!

me: Oh, YAY!!! :) Hahah!

Then, we started talking about boring stuff aka assignments. Heh! 

and it went something like this:-

MESBFF : Ah, da*n! (insert my given names here) HELP ME! The questions are so hard! Haven't even started! Got other work to do and I'm going off to............ this weekend and then after that I'm going..... then my................ coming over! help!

me: Ahhh! I know right! Meh!  (I lay slumped on the table)

MESBFF: Are you tired?

me: Yeah. 

MESBFF: Why? What did you do? Did you wake up early this morning? Slept late last night?

me: Yeah, was reading journal articles last night and I was like OMG!!! What am I reading?

MESBFF: Why? If it makes you tired, then, don't do it! 

me: heh. but... you know................. 

(I refuse to type anymore of the conversation because some parts are better left unsaid)


That was by far the best conversation I've ever had in my entire life with someone I knew just about a month ago.


I just find it AMAZING :) 

Beh tahan

It's week 7 and I am getting really, really exhausted.

Evidently today, I didn't eat much... no appetite, thank you very much uni workload for making me exhausted till I can't eat. Oh... it's that time of the month again... hence you know why. No wonder been feeling so blah these days. Sigh.

And you know you really can't fake being tired esp. when your very expressive Australian exchange student best friend asks you : Are you tired?

Can't believe that this sem, everything seems to be more relaxed and cincai yet it's assignments non-stop. When I say relaxed I mean the lecturer doesn't really want to tell you what to do ;you decide on your own. And when I say non-stop, it means week 4 onwards... even if we have a gap, we use that so-called gap to think of our upcoming assignment(s).

Then, don't do what makes you tired!

Yeah, easy to say. You know how many journal articles I've been reading through just to make sure I solidify my essay? Well, although I daresay I am slacking this sem, by a lot!

Oh God, my essay outline :(

Well-said

Never play with the feelings of others, because you may win the game but the risk is that you will surely lose the person for a lifetime.

William Shakespeare

Because my essay's too boring

"Take wrong turns. Talk to strangers. Open unmarked doors. Do things without always knowing how they'll turn out. You're curious and smart and bored, and all you see is the choice between working and slacking off. There are so many adventures that you miss because you're waiting to think of a plan. To find them look for tiny interesting choices. And remember that you are ALWAYS making up the future as you go."
- XKCD webcomic

Apa jadi semalam?

Dua-dua kelas... potong stim dan rasa macam tak guna langsung 

 Kelasku yg pertama. Perbentangan tak jadi sebab tak cukup masa

Kelasku yang kedua. Biasanya, aku tak mulakan percakapan, tapi semalam dia macam bermasalah dan tak sanggup nak cakap dgn aku. Tak sanggup nak cakap dgn org lain dlm kumpulan kita masa kelas sebab dia ucap sesuatu yang....Bincang pun macam tak bincang sebab tak faham soalan. Lepas tu, kita semua senyap je. . Sedih, takde org cakap dengan dia. Akhir sekali, aku je yang cakap dengan dia walaupun I admit dia sepatutnya cakaplah elok sikit. Ataupun, mungkin dia tak bermaksud nak sakiti hati org.  The AMs yang teramatlah bijaksana... macam itulah... tapi nasib baik aku tahan je lah apa yang dia cakap tu sebab he's the friendliest to me. I can't afford to lose what we built in 4 weeks and I can't afford to lose another friend 

Aku terangkan kenapa. Semalam, lepas kelas, dia tanya aku apa aku nak buat di hari minggu. Lepas tu, aku pun boraklah. Entah kenapa tiba-tiba berubah tone pulak dgn aku. Hairan, masa dalam kelas aku cakap dgn kau, macam tak nak je cakap dgn aku. Then, before I walked out I said BYE lagi tahu tak tapi dia sibuk dgn benda lain :(

Aku fikir kenapalah dgn dia nie. Mana tahu, tiba-tiba dia jalan menuju ke arah aku. Buat kali pertama, dia pakai lif. Sebab biasanya dia pakai tangga dgn kawan-kawan dia. And the nicest thing he did for me was hold the door. Aku tanyalah, eh, kenapa tiba-tiba pakai lif? Jawabnya: Because you keep me company. 

Ya ke??? Tapi masa dalam kelas kau macam.... haih, takpelah. I realise I should keep this friend forever, man. 

And when we arrived at the cafeteria, about to walk off hurriedly, he said: Bye! See you Monday!

Pelik  tapi benar. Aku pun tak tahu kenapa  dia baik sgt dgn aku. 

Ah, semalam. Hari yang tak produktif langsung.

I still can't believe

I actually went FIRST  to speak on the presentation yesterday. Like, hello? I was shaking when my first few slides popped up but thank God I hid that fear with my LOUD voice. TO be honest, I didn't expect my voice to be that loud. I don't even speak to my kawans in that kind of volume.

I think the exchange students purposely let me go first.... because apparently, my slides were too awesome >.<  Few mins before presentation, that guy just casually told me: You're up 1st! 

My reaction: You're kidding me!

Well, it's kinda my fault also; didn't tell them I refuse to be 1st but because I had a choice of which part to do so I thought... it's okay-lah... I don't mind anything.

HAHA, I swear the exchange students were telling me to relax and take it like NOTHING. That's the best part of cooperating with exchange students, man. You see the difference between them and us Asians. 

Needless to say, all went well. Everyone in my group esp. that guy was praising and complimenting me non-stop. 

I'll miss you guys so much esp. when sem is over! 

The beauty of our friendship

You know, I've never been this close to a person before... Sometimes I think, am I dreaming? Is it really happening? Never have I felt this way before. Especially with someone you met just 4 weeks ago.

I like how you're really, really, really casual with me.

You talk to me like I've known you forever.

You're non-judgemental and caring.

You're thankfully NOT ROWDY.

It's truly a pleasure meeting you, buddy :) From day ONE until now and forever. I can't believe we're halfway thru' the semester. Yet, in just 4 weeks of friendship, I've learnt so much, so much from you :) Thank you for working with me on our oral presentation and for the very beautifully-crafted compliments that followed after. It's truly an experience for me... I guess it is for you, too haha. :) 

I'm going to miss you when you go back to the land down under. 

Promise me ONE thing, mister. Don't DELIBERATELY FORGET ME once you touch down in Kangaroo Land.

Working with the exchange students...

is pretty RELAXING. Maybe it's their style of doing things, pretty laid-back unlike us Asians or at least M'sians who get paranoid and jumpy at almost everything the moment something doesn't quite work out.

Trust me, I've had tons of experience working with the M'sians and MOST of the time, my group members are just........ well, you get it-lah.

So, I thought for a change, WHY NOT the exchange people kan?


And I think their laid-back-ness kind of gives me my OWN space and time to do my work. NO pressure at all! Like, really? Is this what group work with them is like? Wow? I'm amazed!

Just gonna go with the flow and see what happens. For a change.  Gimme a break, wei. I've been slaving for the past idunnohowmanyyears like crazy.


I'm working with two Australians and another M'sian. Thank God, the Australians are quite friendly though sometimes I feel like they're MUCH better at expressing or explaining themselves. I dunno why but the way they write and talk to me is just.... ahhhhhhhhhhh... so BEAUTIFUL :) Even when they say my name, they take the time to enunciate/pronounce my name properly. This, once again, I have to thank my parents for giving me and English-sounding name which I think suits me PRETTY well =D. Otherwise, I dunno how they're gonna call me. Probably have to think of ONE which is gonna be hard because... everyone's rachel, melissa, sarah, caryn, vivian. Eh, so common-wei. hahaha. how did i get here?

Ah, JL, stop! Now, go do work!

Here I go again...

Possibly one of the most memorable tutes ever... Global Cities first tute.

when we were asked to introduce ourselves, letting ppl know your future careers, and our favourite city.

So, everyone else started thinking and then when the time came, everyone started blabbering...

Came one  M'sian girl's turn, she said her favourite city was Melb (like, duh because she went on exchange there) which was enough to send the Melbourne-nians in my class into
laughter that died down when they realised they needed to give others a chance to speak.


Then, one Aussie girl in my row said her favourite city was KL.

KL? REALLY????

NOW that made the whole class LOL a thousand times harder than we did with Melb.

How I wish every tute was FUN like that...

Indeed :)

Final sem syndrome

Final sem syndrome is getting to me. Of course, I try to submit my assignments on time like I usually do BUT there are times when I feel I haven't given my all; things could've been better IF I had slightly better vocabulary so that expression isn't so unclear. I realize that at times, I tend to just follow whatever that darn journal article has to say... then after writing so much, I think, wait... whatthe>>>> am I supposed to say again? It's like, you wanna say L but you end up saying P. Then, when I've submitted the whole thing, it's like AHHH!!!!! YA HOR, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF IT THAT WAY????

Not to mention, I'm also taking things slower. Not PANICKING for presentations at all even though I'm literally UNPREPARED because I don't wanna seem so bossy with my group... since that guy is VERY VERY NICE to me. This is also owing to the fact that I unfortunately and unexpectedly TWISTED my leg on that fateful Wednesday morning just right after getting dressed when I noticed I didn't have my phone with me and went back to my bedside table to get it. Gah, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself. One, for being super forgetful, Two, for having stubborn, culprit, jinxed legs.  For once, it had to be the left leg that was cramp...MY RIGHT is supposedly weaker than the left (which probably explains why I hate to play the pedal on the piano).


Then again, because of the cramp left leg, my right kinda pushed the left a little. Next thing I know, I fell *SPLAT* on the floor.

Don't ask me HOW i managed to walk on Wednesday for classes but I went off after apologising  to that guy abt delaying discussion for presentation till the following week - our presentation week. Thankfully, he understood why and didn't SCREAM at me or appear to be agitated/irritated/frustrated/wanting to start a fight with me.

Instead he went: Hey, how're you...... Oh, okay. Get better soon.

NO Thanks to that rather nasty fall, I had ONE day of excruciating pain, couldn't walk, had to delay another presentation and forgo 3 classes.

Very nice, JL.

Non-stop assignments, here I come!